The Lord woke me early yesterday morning. He woke me from a dream where I had been yelling and swearing. Another dream troubled me. I didn't like how I had acted in them and I awoke feeling condemned and ashamed. Was this what was in my heart? I debated going back to sleep but instead chose to come and sit with the Lord. He was wooing me. I made my way to Our spot. From my chair I could see my son sleeping. I watched him sleep and I found myself praying, "LORD, protect him!" Then I thought of Kayleigh (my cousin's child who was tragically killed in an accident less than a week ago). Surely her mom and dad had often prayed for her safety yet they are burying her this week...
"So, why pray, LORD? Why bother?" (I'm not even sure I should open my mouth like that.)
"I'd kind of like to sit down with You and talk this through!" (Like what are You doing?! Demanding answers from the Most High. Surely that isn't an acceptable tone!)
I remind myself that we live in a sinful, dying world. What would make me think that I have earned the right to be immune? I remind myself not to lean on my own understanding.
"Your ways are not my ways..."
I take my seat and start voicing thanks - an acceptable choice - unsure of where our conversation will go but no longer demanding the direction. I think of the approaching day. So much to do. The LORD reminds me of another mother, ten or so years ago, who He woke early on just such a day. The LORD loved her so much that He wanted to spend time with her to prepare her for the day ahead - Thanksgiving 2001... The tape of the story plays through in my mind. He wanted to love on Carole (http://www.faithfulreader.com/authors/au-lewis-carole.asp) and give her an anchor for the day ahead - the day she would lose her daughter Shari in a car accident. Then it hits me! Lose her daughter...
"LORD, I am here - literally in this Our spot because Carole lost Shari." (That was the part of Carole's story that proved in my mind that this lady's relationship with the LORD was "real".)
"LORD, that's what I wanted and I am forever changed! I know there are others - many others - whose lives are forever transformed by the message You delivered through the woman Carole came to be through this tragic loss. Is that an acceptable trade off? My good from her pain?"
I doubt it. For a mother whose arms ache to hold a lost child, it's an insufficient substitute but it is a glimpse of God's redeeming power - His committment to work all things together for good...
I have no answers to the questions I would have demanded from the Most High. But, I have reassurance that He is in control. I have no idea what good could ever be worked from such a tragedy as what my cousins are facing but I do know there are ripples in the water and they carry a long way - even when they're no longer perceptible on the surface.
I return to the question that started it all. Why pray? Why bother? Because somehow, in the dialogue, perspectives change. I change. And I return to prayer for my son - not completely without fear - but entrusting my son to the Hands of the One Who gave His life for me...
